Fake

So the title may suggest annoyance and displeasing events...but do not be in fear my lovelies as it's all good man :D

Since Monday, me and Sean have been faking it through our days (don't worry...not that you think...Imogen ¬¬)

Monday we had a fake pancake day, courtesy of Rhian's amazing pancake skills :D I was very proud of my skills and shall be cooking more soon...once I get more milk :(

And then Tuesday we had Sean's fake 19th Birthday night out and that was freakin' mazing. Apart from myself having to make myself throw up half way through it was cool :D and Sean is the cutest person when he gets drunk...when he finally listens to everyone telling him that he 'has to listen to Rhian if he wants to get home safely and not end up in trouble'. :D he's like a little, cute, baby child who confesses his love to me, is all cute and I just want to cuddle him lots :D (i have a few videos if you want a giggle...I have been banned from putting them on Facebook ¬¬)

And then yesterday being Wednesday, we had our fake Valentine's Day where I recieved the fluffiest, softest teddie ever. I have, rightly so, named him Sean the 2nd (very origonal)
I got a funny 'Saucy Devil' statue...he knows me soo well :P I got a cute watch. Its all white and pink and flowery :D i think he listened to my complaints about how my watch was falling apart. And if he didn't, then it was just a good guess for a present :D and then a cute dolphin necklace. I have a few that make me itch...dam you nickle and some that are from my grandad or too small and therefor don't want to wear them or simply can't. Either way, its very cute and i love it.

And then the huge 'Me To You' card like at Xmas. Aaaagh Me To You...why do you have to be so cute yet so expensive in all your fluffy, cuteness. Build a Bear should totally do a Me To You giant bear...they did Hello Kitty...maybe I can send them my ideas.

Anyway...my day is soo full today and I have a multiple test exam in a couple of hours...which I'm not looking forweard to. Just becasue I can't be bothered!!!!

Meh...anyway...see ya all laterz :D

xxxx

Baby's Coming Back...

...actually he IS back so i'm very happy (told you'd they get happier again Kez) :D

...and *aaaah* mcfly...i do love ye. Am watching one of their tour videos with all their music vids on (hence the title...to all you mcfly geeks) and I thought it was appropriate :D

And no, Sean isn't watching them with me...I don't think he loves me that much to put up with them lol!

I let him go watch a football game at the pub with his mates because I can't keep him to myself because that is unfair...though I think I should try that :D

So am x-stitching and watching mcfly-ness. It's fun...am waiting for Sean to come round to mine to stay over, as usual, and then we;ll have more fun times...and then I make pancakes for mine and Sean's official pancake day :D

Rhian and Sean's Pancake Day = 22nd February 2010

Had no lectures today so went and bought thee cutest shoes ever :D and other items...which came from Sean's wallet this time :) makes me happee.

So I thought I'd update you that I am happy again as I should be and that you all don't have to be peeping at my blog to see if it's gonna put you in a sad mood or make you go "awww....Rhian :D*

Or if you're Kerry..."Rhian...you're gonna make me sick" lololol :D

xxxxxxxx

Bringing back the Past

Kerry!!!! I havn't forgotten you and I'm so glad you read my posts...I had no idea :D

I promise to be more involved and I wont forget you. I don't love my new friends anymore than the love I feel for you :D

Anyway...I reckon you don't want me confessing over my blog...Facebook is better ;)

Anyway...its Saturday and 14.08 no matter what the time at the bottom says :S I'm sat looking after my sisters and watching Scrubs. It's one of those days where I can't go out as my mums in bed and i have to look at the sisters. I can't pack, have to stay quiet and BLOODY SEAN AIN'T TEXTING!!

He's probably sleeping off a hangover from the stag do he said he wouldn't like but I reckon he had fun...(as long as there wasn't any strippers...)

Last night was annoying. I knew he wuldn't text...even though he said he would. So I kept myself preoccupied.

But when I asked if he had had a cigar then I got nothing...so obviously I was panicky all night..and sleep was a little disrupted :(

He told me waaaay in advance that he might be smoking, and I accepted it...but then recently he's being sayin ghe probably wont...and I'm sorry to say I think I got my hopes up that he wouldn't be smoking.

But when he has pressure to make his brother happy, and theres booze around, and everyone else is doing it, I reckon he did smoke a cigar...but he hasn't told me and I REALLY NEED TO KNOW...like now :(

If he has then I don't want to know anything else...like how many or anything. As long as he doesnt start smoking then I don't need to know.

It's not as if I can change the past. It's been done and I have to live with it..and there was no way I could have said 'I don't want you to do that please' becasue I have no right to do so and he wouldn't have listened as it's not for me to decide.

Anyway...i'm not getting down. I've accepted what might have happened...so when it's confirmed I'm gonna be down (slightly) but I can't say or do anything as long as it was the one off to make his brother happy. I just needed to write it all down to confirm this to myself and to STICK TO IT :D

Anyway...in a general 'meh...' mood.

Keep updated :D
xxxx

The Final Countdown

Yeah...i wish, but there will be more...sad times.

But woo, am in a better mood today...have nooo idea why :D

It's Thurday which means that it's only 3 more days till I get back to Uni. I think yesterday was seen as the 'half-way' point...but now it's thurdsay and I'm almost there....come on Rhian...we can make it :D

So yesterday my moods increased. I got to see my sexy boyfriends sexy tattoo...which btw is totally fit and sexy. Makes him look like a bad boy :D (though I'm still cooler with my tattoos :D)

I stayed up until half 3 last night talking dirty and sending and viewing a few photos...(I wont go into detail to save my friends from shock and panic attatcks :D) but it was a 'fun' night. It was one of those days where your texts turn you on, you SHOULD delete them incase of being read from others..but they keep me company when I'm craving simple things such as a kiss :D

Have had my hair cut today and next i'm gonna dye it then straighten it so i'll feel a tad more attractive...she says dressed in scruffy pants, a too large RB's t-shirt and a thrown on hoodie :D

Anyway...has been a fun last 12 hours :D

Love you Sean so much :D xxxxxxxxxxx

A Craving for Kisses

Urgh! I can't even tell you what mood I'm in because I don't freaking no!!!

1) I'm bored and have nothing to do now until I go back to Uni...which I wish was soo much closer.
2) It's only Wednesday which means I'm only half way through this lonliness and despeair that's slowly eating away inside of me.
3) I feel shit and guilty for wishing I got away from my house and family. I love my family loads, but my independance is amazing. And being with Sean is amazing...and....urgh!!!!!
4)It's Sean's birthday today, his first birthday whilst we've been going out and I'm not with him. Which means that I'm in a depressed state, but he's all happy and seeing people to text me, and I don't wanna put him on a downer on his birthday by being sad and lonely...so I have to fight this one out on my own :(
5) I've discovered that I'll probably never be with Sean on his actual birthday until I finish Uni, because he'll either be at home for Dev Week, or he'll be wanted at home anyway by his parents. And therefore I have to take the back seat there...¬¬
6)He's not texting me AT ALL when I want to see his tattoo and talk to him on his birthday....

I give up so much :(

I just want to cry and throw something heavy at something.

Not a healthy attitude really.

I'm just gonna leave him too all his happiness surrounded by all his loved ones though.

Happy Birthday Sean :D

I just need to get back into my comfort zone...I need my loved ones :(

Plus that bitch of 'trash' is re-trying to piss me off again. Stalking his profile, having a go at ME for being on his profile...Errr...GIRLFRIEND love...I can do what the fuck I want and if you have an issue with that I'll be glad to 'sort' it out for you :D

I have a line of inspiration for me to keep focused on however:

"I am the one who has Sean for myself. She can't bother me because at the end of the day I'm the one who can say that I am the one who has what she wants...something she will NEVER have no matter how hard she tries"


So I miss him loads and you have no idea how much I'm craving a kiss or just him touching me...
Like Bella so correctly says in Twilight..."It was like I was in pain and when he held my hand, his touch put out the pain that I was in..."

Bella...you have no idea how right you are....

xxxx

Positivity

So, my past few blogs have gone from very sad and lonely, to slightly crazy, to this one being happy and brief.

I love Sean.

I love my friends :D Imo, Matt B, Matt C, Scott, Livi, Emma...and all my aquaintences.

I'm in love with Sean!

I realise just how much he fears that he is going to loose me, even though he doesn't always show it. I love him that little bit extra now because of this :D

I love his subtle signs of how he feels for me, and even though he doesn't always show me, I usually work it out :D

I'm in a good mood, I've been out with my mum, going out again tmoz, my health is improving.

Only 6 days until I see my baby, but I have his birthday and his brothers stag do to get over (I get worried :D)

But then it will all be better.

Thankoo for reading my nonsence-ness :D

xxx

My brain is falling apart!

So, here I am...at home. And Sean's at his house...at Southampton. Rochdale-Southampton....about 10000000000 miles away from each other :O

So as usual...I get panicky, tad-paranoid, lonely and he scrapes at my mind every bloody second...
Which basically means I love him...wayyy to freaking much :D (dw..am not gonna stop loving you :D)

I think I need help from my friends to keep me calm and not obsessive. I can't handle the change from practically living with him, to not seeing him at all and only hearing from him every 3 days.

But i've just got under a week...minus the facts it's Valentines day today and I'm alone. It's his birthday on Wednesday...and I won't be there to celebrate it with him. but the week after we're going to have our own personal celebrations...so that's gonna have to be enough to keep me sane...ish?

And I realise how much my new found Uni friends are sooo great. Imogen, my lovely friend who relates all my female stuff is superb. We have a good giggle and chill out and she brings out my locked away feminicity as I lacked the friends at home to go shopping and understand me so well.

And recently Matt who helps me relate with how men see things...so when I'm freaking out over Sean, he can tell me how it can be seen and that actually Sean didn't mean me to take it the way I thought and that I should calm down.

So basically. If I stick to my plan...I should hope that nothing makes me upset, paranoid...etc. I'm gonna behave and be a good girlfriend. I think the plan is to keep calm and really think things through :D

I'm also scared...I need to go to the doctors with my throat...and I'm worried. Will keep you updated :P

Love you all...

HAPPY VALENTINE's DAY!!!!!!

xx

Home and away :D

Yay!!! Am off back home for a week today. My dad will be picking me up in about 3 hours so until then I shall be packing and doing a little bit of V-Day shopping.

That's gonna suck. Being alone on V-Day. It's not even as if I'm single...i'll be moping for Sean all the way at the other end of the country as he recoveres for a hangover, if todays plans to correctly....at least I'll have pancakes to make me feel loved...and fat :P

That's if i'm not hospitalised...I discovered a small painful lump on the underside of my throat. It makes me think that I could be my syst I had when I was 6 and hospitalised then. Which scares me alot becasue I do not want to go to hospital at all :(
And if it's not that, then I have no idea what it could be, which scares me even more :(
Last time I was in hospitable wasn't a nice time and I'd like to avoid the whole situation again...but the strange thing is I have no way in telling what it is...it seems quite serious, and I'm worried my parents will take me to hospitable :(

Plus Sean's all the way home so he can't comfort me.

I just need it sorted out before it gets worse.

Anyway, this post was just to warn you that posts may be slower and I don't know how much time I will be on a pc for the next week :P

xxx

His Post

So, recently I have been slowly sinking into my loneliness and sadness now that Sean has gone. It usually happens on long periods away from each other...and I'm sure to Sean I look like some possesive freak, when actually I'm just so connected and in love with him, every time he leaves he takes half of me with him :(

I've already expalined how I cried when I walked away from him after saying goodbye, but I was hit with a wave of emotion last night in one of the most unlikely places...RB's nightclub :S

Everytime I have been out t night he has always been there. And RB's is a favourite place of mine and my friends. So we were all dancing, myself feeling a little awkward as I didn't have my usual 'dance partner'...and a certain song came on...

As it's a 90's club, you would expect Michael Jackson to be played, something I totally bypassed in my mind. So when 'black and white' came on, everyone paused, looked at me, my friend gasped and there was loads of sympathy...but I couldn't help myself and broke down in the club.

I probably did then look like the depressed, possesive freak...

It sucked majorly...plus everyone had been asking me the whole night 'where was my other half?', and that 'we always come as a pair,' or that 'it's weird, me being by myself...'.
They were all words of help and comfort most probably...but it only reinforced the nagging thought in my head of how much I'm missing him.

:( :( :( :(

It's only 2 weeks, but you don't know how easy it is to just miss a simple kiss, or the touch of his hand. It's not as if I'm sex mad and missing that. I am, but there are more simpler, more romantic things too that seem more personal.
I'm just craving him so much it's becoming unbearable.

My bed feels so empty, I'm used to sleeping cuddled up, soaking in his warm body heat...now I feel lonely and scared in my bed, and freezing. My personal heater has left me :(

I'm just feeling down, but if certain monthly cycles wern't taking place I'd probably feel the same anyway.

It's so odd, becasue, without diving too much into past relations...I honeslty felt nothing like this with exes. I was happy to have my own bed and wasn't too fussed if I wasn't going to see them for a while, like on holidays. With Sean I get upset if he goes back to his house for a few hours...or doesn't text me.

I don't know if I'm too clingy or if this is just right...

Somebody help?

xxxx

He's gone...

...and apparently taken half of me with him :(

So, it's Dev Week next week, and Seanie has gone home early to watch football :D which is good for him, as I know he misses his family (and pets), but bad for me because I didn't want him to leave, but then feel guilty for wanting to keep him to myself and away from his family, the people who love him and have know him longer than I ever will :(

It's quite early for even my day today. Stayed with Sean over-night, not wanting to loose any time with him AT ALL. I walked with him till we had to split, forced on a smile and watched him leave. Then I had to walk back to my house, looking oh-so-special with tears rolling down my face (much like they are now). I literally ran the last few feet just so I could hide in the comfort of my room and sob my heart out.

I don't even know if this makes me clingy or just so totally in love with him. Also, struggling with 'that time of the month' my emotions are wild, and I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now :(

Since were away from each other, I'm going to miss Valentines Day and his 19th birthday (which on the positive side lets me get his final present know he's not here) but still...I'd rather him be here and sneak about with his present...

So basically, you can see my whining is a form of the tiredness and sleep deprivation and hormones and uncontrolable love :(

I'm not even compalining as I'd go nights without sleeping for him...but not he's not here and I'm already falling apart it seems...

Anyones have an opinion?

xxxxx

Sleep creeps over :O

Ok, so I'm shattered...been a long week hence no recent updates.

Monday I had off giving me a long weekend which is probably why I'm so tired. Biological time clock is all messed up.

Tuesday I had a few lectues with a 10 am start but that was a slow day.

Wednesday I had the day off but woke early for some reason then had to treck to the doctors for the pill and other things.

Thursday was a killer. None-stop lectures all day, dragging on :(

Friday, today, I was at Reaseheath, working with an assortment of animals which I am too tired to write about.

Now I have tried to get to sleep, but fear I wont tonight. I have a stomach ache for some reason...I think I have an idea as to why...but it's not fair and my heads starting to hurt again. I'm wondering if I need glasses, as one of my eyes seem weaker than the other and I keep getting headaches staring at the screen when in lectures and at home :(


Anyhoo, short post just to show you I am still alive :D

xxx